The Rocky Harry Picture Show
by The Absynth Fairy
Summary: Crossover between the Rocky Horror Picture Show and Harry Potter. Harry has a most disturbing dream including Lupin and Sirius, happily engaged, a cross-dressing Severus Snape and his "Stress releiver". PG for language, but rating will go up. SLASH
1. The Rocky Harry Picture Show

**A/N**: This fic has some considerable amount of History incorporated into it. It is of course a crossover between Harry Potter and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. In this fic I used the actual script to The Rocky Horror Picture show and included some actual lines used in some of the role-play floorshows the hard-core Rocky Horror fans staged while the movie played in different theaters across the country. These were not difficult at all to obtain, though, but it's the thought that counts. The RP lines will be in bold so as to identify them as not my own ideas but the creations of brilliant Rocky Horror RP patrons from different theater audiences. This fic is both a celebration of the Rocky Horror legacy and its fans, and also a product of my complete boredom and desire to see Professor Snape in drag. Let me know if you've tasted blood and you want more, because I'll be happy to thrill you, chill you and fulfill you with more installments of this fic.  
  
-The Absynth Fairy (Misspelled for a _REASON_, Julie(), dearest) ;-)  
  
**Disclaimer**: Sadly, I do not own Harry Potter or The Rocky horror Picture show. If I did, then I wouldn't HAVE to write slash, now would I?

* * *

**The Harry Horror Picture Show**

_And this is where our strange journey begins...  
_  
Harry Potter wasn't at all unfamiliar with strange, unlikely dreams. These nightly occurrences spanned from the horrific, to the weird, to the prophetic. After all of those dreams he concluded bitterly that nothing could be worse, and then added quite smugly that nothing more could get a rise out of him. He was quite completely convinced that no image that conjured itself in the chasm of his mind could further disturb him.  
  
That was, until he fell asleep at exactly 10:30 P.M one Wednesday evening while listening to the faint droning of a muggle record a rather strange Gryffindor first year was playing out in the Common Room.  
  
A slightly nasal chorus of voices seeped in through the cracked dormitory door. "_Let's do the Time Warp agaaaaain.._."  
  
Harry thought for a moment in a haze of drowsiness. What was the name of that musical...? The Rocky Horror... what?  
  
His eyes slowly slipped closed and he fell into an almost sedated sleep.  
  
The first sign of peculiarity (For it did not reach a shocking level, yet, not by all means) was that an image did not at once appear. It was just... darkness.  
  
And then a voice, as if in one of those popular action films, said,  
  
"**A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, God said: 'Let there be lips,' and there were. And they were good**."  
  
To Harry's astonishment and immense amusement, a giant pair of juicy red, painted lips appeared dead-center in his vision.  
  
To his further surprise, those rouged lips began to sing.  
  
"_Michael Rennie was ill _

_The Day the Earth Stood _

_Still But he told us where we stand. _

_And Flash Gordon was there _

_In silver underwear, _

_Claude Rains was the Invisible Man. _

_Then something went wrong _

_For Fay Wray and King Kong; _

_They got caught in a celluloid jam. _

_Then at a deadly pace It came from... _

_Outer Space. _

_And this is how the message ran. _

_Science fiction, double feature _

_Doctor Snape _

_will build a creature. _

_See androids fighting Sirius and Remus. _

_Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet. _

_Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh. _

_At the Late-night, Double Feature Picture Show_."  
  
If this could get any stranger, there were credits, as well. This was beginning to become sort of disturbing. The credits read:  
  
_Sirius Black As Sirius Majors, A hero. _

_Remus Lupin As Remus Weiss, A heroin. _

_Severus Snape as Dr. Snape N. Furter, A Scientist _

_Albus Dumbledore As Dr. Von-Dumbledore, A rival scientist _

_Draco Malfoy As Riff Raff, A Butler _

_Hermione Granger As Magenta, A domestic _

_Nymphadora Tonks As Columbia, A groupie _

_Luscious Malfoy As Rocky Horror, A creation _

_Alastor Moody As Mad Eye Moody, A Criminologist  
_  
Harry had no time to raise an eyebrow before the song resumed.  
  
"_I knew Leo G. Carrol _

_Was over the barrel _

_When Tarantula took to the hills. _

_And I really got hot _

_When I saw Jeanette Scott _

_Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills. _

_Dana Andrews said _

_Prunes Gave him the runes _

_And passing them took lots of skills. _

_But when the worlds collide _

_I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills. _

_Science fiction, double feature _

_Doctor Snape will build a creature. _

_See androids fighting Sirius and Remus. _

_Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet. _

_Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh. _

_At the Late-night, _

_Double Feature Picture Show. _

_I wanna go. _

_Oh, Oh, Oh. _

_To the late-night, Double Feature _

_By RKO. _

_To the late-night, _

_double feature Picture show. _

_In the back row. _

_Oh, Oh, Oh. _

_To the late-night, _

_Double-feature Picture show_."  
  
Harry had little time to react to the song, not even the parts featuring Remus and Sirius, because those juicy red lips had faded away to reveal a flock of people rushing out of the narrow doorway of a rather small Episcopalian church. Harry noticed with a gleeful jolt of his heart that these people were very familiar to him.  
  
He heard traditional wedding music being played, and assortments of these people were throwing rice, so it must have been a wedding. Harry soon discovered that his guess was correct.  
  
The blushing bride and groom skipped hand in hand along with the rest of the crowd, beaming happily as they posed for a photographer perched before the congregation, who had a largely uncanny resemblance to a much older Colin Creevey.  
  
"Let's get a picture. Close together now. The folks and then the grandparents. Just of the close family. Ahhh, hold that and...." He snapped the picture.  
  
Harry observed the newlywed husband and wife once more. He noted the husband with his spectacles, rumpled black hair, and his blue eyes, and the red hair and green eyes of the blushing bride. He realized with a jump of his heart that this newlywed couple was in fact his parents, Mr. and Mrs. James Potter. There was not a doubt about it. Mainly, because this was a dream and all reality was about to falter, as was shown by the juicy singing red lips Harry had first seen.  
  
His father James rushed up to a handsome dark-haired man in a black tuxedo as the crowd of relatives disbanded to mingle amongst one another.  
  
James punched the dark-haired man lightly on the arm. "Well, I guess we did it, huh, Sirius?"  
  
Wait... Sirius was in this dream, too? Well, Harry thought, Sirius was in the credits...  
  
Sirius smiled thoughtfully and patted James' shoulder. "I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Lily have been inseparable since you first met in Dr. Dumbledore's Refresher class."  
  
Harry's father laughed delightedly. "Well, to tell you the truth, Sirius, that's the only reason I showed up in the first place."  
  
Suddenly, Lily called everyone's attention. "Okay you guys, this is it!" a flock of screaming and cheering women and girls gathered around Lily as she held her bouquet over her head.  
  
James chuckled. "Well, Lily's going to throw the bouquet."  
  
Harry watched as Lily tossed the bundle of brightly colored flowers into the air and saw a hand catch it. Emerging from the crowd was a very happy and glowing Remus Lupin. "I got it! I got it!" he clutched the bouquet victoriously to his chest.  
  
Harry saw James' smile grow winder as he looked back at Sirius. "Well, big fella, looks like it could be your turn next, eh?" he chortled, glancing pointedly at Remus, who was being mauled by many of the brides' maids, who were admiring the newly caught bouquet (or trying to murder the recipient).  
  
Soon after James was handed a bucket of flu powder labeled "WAIT TIL TONIGHT. She got hers, now he'll get his."  
  
As James escorted Lily back to a fireplace in the confines of the church, Sirius looked after them. "Who knows?" He stuck his hands in his pockets.  
  
As the last few people were walking out of the church doors, Sirius found Remus and took him by the hand.  
  
Remus laughed airily in response and fondled his bouquet lovingly. "Oh, Sirius," He said finally turning to him, "Wasn't it wonderful? Wasn't Lily radiantly beautiful? I can't believe it. An hour ago she was just plain Lily Evans and now... now she's Mrs. James Potter."

Sirius looked down to the ground, hands now safely tucked in his pockets again. "Yes, Remus, James is one lucky guy."  
  
"Yes. I always cry at weddings." Lupin looked cheekily at his flowers.  
  
Sirius kicked at the dirt of the churchyard with the toe of his shoe. "Everyone knows Lily is a wonderful little cook."  
  
"Yes."  
  
Sirius suddenly looked up. "Hey, Remus?"  
  
"Yes, Sirius, Darling?" Remus fondled his flowers some more.  
  
"Hey, Rem," Sirius took on a slightly bolder tone. "I really love the... skillful way you... beat the other girls to the bride's bouquet."  
  
"Oh, Sirius!" Remus let his hands drop and looked up at Sirius fondly.  
  
Suddenly, music started. Sirius twirled around and ran to the sidewalk leading to the threshold of the church, Lupin following wistfully behind.  
  
"_The river was deep, but then I swam it_!" A few church tenants still standing at the door said in very flat voices, "Remus."  
  
Once again, Sirius sang. "_The future is ours, so lets plan it! ('Remus.'_)"  
  
"_So please don't tell me to can it. ('Remus.')_

_ I've one thing to say and that's, dammit, Remus, I love you."  
  
_Lupin looked flushed. And Sirius continued to sing.  
  
_"The road was long, but then I ran it ('Remus.')._

_There's a fire in my heart and you fan it ('Remus.'). _

_If there's one fool for you than I am it ('Remus.') _

_I've one thing to say and that's dammit, Remus, I love you!"_  
  
Sirius had grabbed a very flattered Remus and ran to the church doors with him. He then grabbed Lupin by the hand and knelt before him on bended knee. He pulled a ring from an inside pocket in his jacket. He slid it on Remus' finger.  
  
"_Here's the ring to prove that I'm no joker. _

_There are three ways love can grow _

_That's good, bad, or mediocre. _

_Oh, R-E-M-U-S, I love you so_!"  
  
Sirius then drew a heart with chalk taken from hammer space on the two front church doors and they burst inside, walking into the isle.  
  
Lupin then began to sing.  
  
"_Oh, it's nicer than Lily Potter had! ('Oh, Pad') _

_Now we're engaged and I'm so glad ('Oh, Pad.') _

_That you met Mom and you know, Dad. ('Oh, pad.') _

_I've one thing to say and that's Pad, I'm mad, for you, too_!"  
  
To Harry's horror, the singing continued.  
  
Lupin looked at his ring and into Sirius' eyes. "_Oh, Pad_."  
  
Sirius held Remus' arm. "_Oh,... dammit_."  
  
"_I'm mad_."  
  
"_Oh,... Remus_."  
  
Lupin laughed. "..._For you_."  
  
"_I love you, too_."  
  
They sang together. "_There's one thing left to do— ah ooo_!"  
  
Sirius walked up to the altar with Remus in tow.  
  
"_And that's go see the man who began it ('Remus.') _

_When we met at his science exam-it ('Remus.') _

_Made me give you the eye and then... panic _

_('Remus.') I've one thing to say and that's dammit, Remus, I love you_..."  
  
Again, they sang in perfect unison and harmony. "_I... love... you_..."  
  
They kissed chastely.  
  
One again, things moved all to quickly. So quickly, and Harry might've expected it, that Harry had absolutely no time to ponder why Remus and Sirius were in love and why they were singing. But the thought was soon ripped away as the whole scene was shifted to another, one completely different from the latter.  
  
Mad Eye Moody sat in a large leather chair before a blank screen with the images of the pictures from the wedding projected on to it. He crisply flipped a switch and the small room around him flooded with light as he turned around to look the viewer (In this case it would be Harry) in the eye.  
  
He folded his arms promptly behind his back and said. "I would like, if I may, to take you on a... strange journey." No kidding, Harry thought bitterly.  
  
Mad Eye chose a large, black leather bound book from a tall shelf and opened it. He placed it gingerly upon a podium and began to flip the yellowing pages pointedly as he talked.  
"It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Sirius Majors and Remus Weiss, two young, healthy, normal kids, left Denton that late November evening to visit a Doctor Albus Scott, ex-tutor and now friend to both. It's true, there were dark storm clouds. Heavy, black and pendulous, towards which they were driving. It's true, also that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air. But, uh, they being normal kids, on a night out, well... they weren't going to let a storm spoil the rest of their evening, were they? On a night out... it was a night out they were going to remember... for a very long time."  
  
Harry was beginning to get used to the concept of not being able to think when one scene was ripped away and replaced by another.

* * *

MAH! Don't you just LOVE cliffhangers? Tune in next week for the next exciting installment of The Rocky Harry Picture Show!  
  
Teaser: The summary of this next bit will contain five important elements: 

1) Soggy Newspapers

2) Ballroom dances with slightly suggestive pelvic movements

3) Cross-dressing Potions Masters (Just what I hoped for!)

4) Retarded raccoons

5) And, of course, lots and lots of recreational stripping.  
  
See you next time, folks!


	2. He's Just A Sweet Transvestite

**A/N**: Heylo! This is the second chapter of the Rocky Harry Picture Show! WOOOO! PARTAY! Isn't everyone the HAPPIEST?! ::Throws balloons in the air::  
... Ahem... Thanks to ALL of my reviewers, because without you the world would be a HORRIBLE place with little Serial-Killer Hobbits running around with meat cleavers and Led Zeppelin would run out of song writing ideas and be forced to cover Neal Diamond songs, and OOOOOOHHHHHH! –Horrible- So thank GOD for those reviewers, eh?  
  
**Disclaimer**: Don't own Rocky Horror, don't own Harry Potter. If I did I'd share them with the WORLD!

**WARNING: THIS IS SLASH. THAT MEANS THAT MEN ARE INVOLVED IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS WITH EACHOTHER. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ IT.  
**  
**Dedicated to**: _My friend Megan M., who will always be OBSESSED with Rocky Horror AND, with love, to my reviewers.... Because you're DIRTY, DIRTY people for wanting to see Severus Snape dressed in women's clothing (Well, you just couldn't get enough after the Bogart incident in Book # 3 did you?) and since I'm writing it that's makes me the DIRTIEST of all! YAY!  
_  
Also, if you're reading this, Marilyn, My Bitterness inspired me to write this fic with a review she'd left on Dazed and Confused about a teenage Snape dancing to The Cure's "Just Like A Dream" in his underpants like Tom Cruise danced to Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock N' Roll" in Risky Business. I started thinking about that one day in the car and then I was listening to The Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack and in popped this delightful image of our favorite Professor gettin down to "Sweet Transvestite From Transsexual Transylvania"... and then it went on from there. Please ENJOY!  
  
-The Absynth Fairy-

* * *

In the last THRILLING installment of The Rocky Harry Picture Show (insert dramatic echo here):  
  
Sirius popped the big question to Remus, and, no, it wasn't "Are you taking the Pill?".

She got hers, now he'll get his!

Dammit, Remus, Sirius loves you!

AND miracles really DO happen!  
  
**EPISODE TWO: He's just a sweet Transvestite...  
**  
Harry was disoriented for a split second before he realized that another scene in his dream had begun to unfold, so he sat back and enjoyed it while it lasted.  
  
Lupin and Sirius sat calmly in their muggle car as they sped quickly down a long, winding road, the rain drumming the glossy windshield and pounding the hood rapidly.  
  
Remus turned his head as a motorcyclist zipped past the car, widening his eyes just a little as he threw an apprehensive glance at Sirius, who was seated beside him in the driver's seat. "Gosh, Sirius, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us. They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all."  
  
Sirius glared through water plastering the windshield. "Yes, Remus, life's pretty cheap to that type."  
  
They drove on, until Sirius halted the car quite suddenly in front of a diamond shaped sign that read: DEAD END. Harry heard someone hum the theme to the Twilight Zone.  
  
Harry, like all good Science Fiction movie watchers (Of which he has seen a lot of, thanks to Hermione and her research on the muggle film industry), identified this as a sign of danger. Harry then concluded that the next predictable course of action would be for the victims to, of course, turn around.  
  
"Hmm... well I guess we should turn back." Sirius said simply and began to back his vehicle out of the corner. Harry knew in a matter of seconds something else would happen, like a blown radiator, or a flat tire, which would be the second sign of impending doom.  
  
Only moments later did Sirius, Remus and the Viewer (Harry, who isn't that anonymous) hear a loud popping noise, which must have signaled The Second Sign Of Danger.  
  
Lupin squealed. "Oh! What was that bang?"  
  
"Must've had a blowout, dear. DAMMIT," Sirius hit the wheel with his fist. "I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed. Well, you just stay here and keep warm and I'll go find help."  
  
"But where will you go in the middle of nowhere, Sirius?"  
  
Harry predicted that there must have been a very creepy house, barn, castle, or some other type of erected building that they had passed a while back, usually housing a phone where the poor victims would contact help for their disabled car. The third sign of danger would not be far off.  
  
Sirius smiled suddenly. Oh, no. This was the Third Sign of Trouble. "Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a telephone we could use."  
  
"I'm going with you."  
  
Sirius took Remus' hand gingerly. "Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet."  
  
"Well, I'm going with you!" Remus decided, "The owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman ('He is!') and I might never see you again." Harry heard someone say, "You should be so lucky!"  
  
They climbed out of the car, Sirius taking time to kick the front tire harshly, and walked down the road. Remus had been carrying a newspaper and decided that it could be put to better use, placing it over his head as a sort of make-shift umbrella as the rain poured down on their heads.  
  
Harry felt a song coming. He knew that it was due time for another musical number. And Harry said, Let there be music, and there was.... But he couldn't say it was good....  
  
Lupin and Sirius finally, by some magical stretch of time, found the castle and warily walked in through its mysteriously open gates. Upon which was hung a curious sign that read: "ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK". Lupin eyed it apprehensively, obviously the only one in the pair that had some bit of common sense, but, as Harry predicted, Remus ignored the warning and set off into the large castle courtyard behind his fiancé.  
  
Lupin dodged a stray tree branch, as there were many trees in this dark and damp courtyard and began to sing.  
  
"_In the velvet night...  
  
Burning bright, there's a morning star.  
  
No matter what or who you are.._."  
  
Sirius, to Harry's amusement, joined in and they sang together.  
  
"_There's a light...  
  
Over at the Frankenstein place.  
  
There's a light...  
  
Burning in the fireplace.  
  
There's a light_...."  
  
The grand finale was coming up....  
  
"_In the darkness...of everyone's life_," They sang, looking up at the well-lit castle over-dramatically.  
  
Harry, of course, knew that there would be more to come.  
  
Teaser for next episode...... Our next installment will include:  
  
Creepy Handy-Men

Stuffed birds

A TIME WARP!

Decadence with extra salt

AAAAAAANNNND slightly suggestive pelvic movements, WOOOO!

* * *

APRIL FREAKIN' FOOLS!  
  
This doesn't actually include transvestites at all, in fact, I DID intend to include some, but, being an absolute wench, I decided that my chapters would have one song each. So, in a couple of episodes, Snape will make his GRAND appearance and everyone will be HAPPY.  
  
With love, The Absynth Fairy 


End file.
